Buckle up buttercup, I’ve got some seriously creepy pickup lines for you this month.
Yeah, creepy pickup lines won out this month over the sweet ones, or even the douchey ones. Don’t worry, some are still funny, but the overarching theme here is dudes doing way too much.
If you’re new to The Tinder Files, you can check out what it’s all about by reading this post. If you’re not here for a ton of reading, just the weird stuff, stick around and I’ll give ya the short version.
The Tinder Files are my way of holding people accountable for their shitty behavior online.
Compared to traditional dating, sites like Tinder haven’t been around long, and we don’t have social norms surrounding it that we do for dating in person. That’s why you see a lot more people saying things they know would get them kicked out of a bar. People are testing their limits. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad people, but this can still do a lot of damage if those boundaries don’t get set. So, I’m setting some boundaries by putting the creepy pickup lines, the douchey comments, etc. on blast. Together, we can decide what’s okay for online dating and what’s not. Plus, sometimes it can just be really funny!
I do have some rule set to make sure I’m never just being mean. First, I’ll never make fun of someone based on their appearance, ethnicity, race, etc. Second, I’ll never make fun of someone who seemed to have good, non-manipulative intentions. Third, I’ll try to keep people unidentifiable by blocking out faces, etc. I’m not here to ruin anyone’s life, just make ya feel a little guilty 🙂
So, now that we’ve gotten all the business out of the way, enjoy some creepy, creepy pickup lines for the merry, merry month of May.
Creepy Pickup Lines- May 2018
1. I Miss You
I’ll start you off slow, with one that I’m sure was just a joke that turned out a little…awkward?
2. Testing His Patience
I really thought I had him stumped here when I didn’t let him dare me to go out with him. Then he thought he was SO CLEVER with his lil’ spin there. I thought I’d save him some dignity and not just give him a flat-out “no,” but apparently that’s just me “testing his patience.”
3. Identity Crisis
Who are you?! Adam or Jaden?!
4. Fly a Thousand Oceans
Here’s super creepy pickup line numero uno, friends. I don’ think I need to explain why this is a bit much for just meeting someone?! Like, if a guy walked up to me and said this, I’d have my hand on my pepper spray in case he tied me up and put me in his car so he could take me to the beach and have a “deep convo.”
Notice how in all of that, he only ever said I was pretty. Nothing about my extensive bio. Nothing about what I do for work, nothing about my being well-read or funny or intelligent. Just that he could fly a thousand oceans (you know, a thousand of the five there are) and never see anything as beautiful. Stunning. My beauty never sways. Or bends. It’s very inflexible. It needs some yoga.
Also, wanting someone who is “half the girl as [me]” means literally nothing.
Let’s balance out that weird one with this funny one, shall we? I like to throw a few cute lines into The Tinder Files just to remind us that not every guy out there is treating women so douchily.
I’d never heard of Char but after looking at the website, I’m totally down to get my way.
7. Ask A Silly Question
…get a silly answer. I’m a twenty-something. What do you mean “what drives me?” Silly boy.
8. Heavenly Blessed Beauty
Believe me bud, I do not get messages like this all the time. Again, nothing about my bio, nothing about anything except how pretty I am. And that, apparently, makes me the ultimate dictionary definition of perfection; angelic; a heavenly, blessed beauty.
Please. And you stared at my face for an hour before messaging me? That’s the kind of thing you keep to yourself. That’s the kind of thing that makes me think I need to close my blinds.
Guys, please be mindful of what you say to women. We have more to worry about when it comes to someone giving you a *little too much attention* than men do.
9. Ask Siri
Alright, balancing out the creepy again.
10. New Account Who Dis?
AND WE’RE BACK WITH THE CREEPY. My dude made a whole new account to try again because he didn’t get an answer with the first account. That is just a whole new level of weird. I’m done. I’m over this month. I think next month will have to be dedicated to cute, sweet, and nice boys you can bring home to mamma cause I caNNOT EVEN with this nonsense anymore.
What are some of the creepy pickup lines you’ve gotten online? Vent to me about it in the comments.
Happy May, my friends, and welcome to Mental Health Monday!
Today you’ll read a story by Charlotte, who survived a suicide attempt after her father’s death. It’s a really amazing story that goes to show that you can come back from almost anything, even a suicide attempt. Before we start though, let me remind you of what we do here.
If it’s the first time you’re visiting, Uninspired is a blog to help twenty-somethings be better adults, and a huge part of that is learning to take care of yourself. That’s Mental Health Monday comes in. Twenty-somethings do a million things at once- school, internships, jobs, businesses, families, boyfriends and girlfriends like HOLY CRAP! With all the giving you do, you have to remember to fill your cup. These stories help you do that.
Mental Health Monday is full of stories like Charlotte’s that instill hope that the life you want is coming. Whether you’re struggling with mental illness or just big life adjustments that come with transitioning to adulthood, there’s an MHM story to show you you’ll get through it. Today’s story is about coming back from a suicide attempt and losing a loved one. In the past, we’ve had stories about anxiety,depression, college stress, and way more. Some stories are educational and some are more emotional, but every post was written by someone with personal experience. Someone who knows what they’re talking about because they’ve been through it.
Before I let Charlotte talk…
…let me remind you about BetterHelp. I partnered with this online therapy service to give you all an affordable, flexible therapy option. Whether you’re grieving or getting past a suicide attempt like Charlotte, or something else entirely, the licensed therapists at BetterHelp can talk you through it. Here’s a link for a 7-day free-trial. You can also download my free mental health resource list below, which includes BetterHelp as well as hotlines that can be used in many different mental health emergencies.
“My father went missing in January 2014.
A month later he was found as a suicide victim. It was my worst nightmare come to life. My father was my life and the only one in my family who really understood me. I suppose when he left, I lost my family altogether and it left me in a massive state of shock. Life can change overnight and very little can be done to prepare you for it, I know that now. I also know that some things in life can’t be changed, but we can change how we respond and react.
It was a unique experience as I never considered that anyone I knew, let alone my father would ever die by suicide.
I believe that we all tend to think our loved ones will live to old age and die peacefully. As comforting as this thought is, it is not always realistic and we need to remember that.
I remember so vividly how I felt; I was so numb and it was like I couldn’t breathe. It was like nothing was real anymore; I was not living as I died with my father. My days felt like I was a backseat passenger in my mind; I could see everything but I was not in control. And at night, it was full of terror and fear.
I did not allow myself to grieve at the start; I was too busy helping everyone else and trying to keep the strings of my family together. That included walking miles a week to buy groceries, planning my father’s funeral and planning a house move. Being only 18 at the time, I took on more than I should have. I felt responsible in a wa
y and I wish I knew that by repressing the grief, I was doing myself more harm than good.
We need to cry and let out emotions. It is not a sign of weakness, it just makes us human. Being kind is in my nature; like my father, I am an empath. However sometimes we need to be selfish and put ourselves first. It is one of the things that left my father ill and it certainly pushed me toward a demise like his. I now live by the motto that we need to be selfish while being kind, it turns mental illness into mental wellness.
My inability to allow myself to grieve and focus on my own mental health led me to falling back into old habits.
As a 14-year-old I was an alcoholic which I did recover from, but after my father’s death, I spent most of my inheritance on alcohol. I spent hundreds of pounds a week alone on my fix, just so I could not think or feel the pain building inside me. Drinking at this level was not only harmful to my physical and mental health, it has also led me to financial regret. he money I spent on refusing to grieve could have bought me a deposit on my house today – I just wasn’t thinking straight.
By April, after my father’s death, I ended up in hospital following my own suicide attempt. My
father’s funeral, though months after he was missing, hit me like a truck. I did not cry before this day but as soon as I saw my father’s coffin, I cracked. I couldn’t unsee it. And I had horrible images of his body in my head that made me physically sick. It hurt me so bad to imagine my father lifeless.
My suicide attempt was due to the memory of the words said at the funeral.
They said that one day I would see my father again. I wasn’t willing to wait for my death because I wanted to be with him now. I had such a hard life already, and my father was the reason I kept going. He helped me through so much and I couldn’t see a life without him in it. Honestly, I didn’t want to.
I do not think I would have resorted to a suicide attempt if I had allowed myself to grieve and had someone to talk to. I did not have any support so I ended up in a very bad place. Talking to someone is so
hard, but opening up and letting those feelings out allows you to be honest and find comfort as well as support.
Life has not been easy these last few years.
I had to walk down the aisle without my father. My future children will never know the man they would have called Grandpa.However, I am at a place now where though my past is a part of me, I don’t resent it. I cannot change it, but I can choose to not let it define me. I allow myself to cry about my dad, I allow myself to miss him, but most importantly, I don’t bottle anything up, which I like to think would make my father proud.
In grief we will all make mistakes because our minds are not at their best, but it’s ok. It is important though, when you lose a loved one, to stop comparing yourself to others. Grieve in your own time and way but don’t bottle it up. If you talk about those feelings and let them out, there is less of a chance you’ll have regrets in the future. Talking really makes a mile of a difference.
I am in a good place now. I do not abuse substances or self-harm and I have not had another suicide attempt. Plus, I am happily married in a little house with my fur babies. Though I do wish my father could see me now, I achieved so much and am content with my life simply because I accepted the idea that moving on just means learning to live this new life. I allow myself to feel happiness and do all the things I wanted to because even though I still miss him, I learned I do not have to die with my father. In fact, through all of the work I do today, I allow my father to live on and tell his story and help people. It’s like a therapy for me.
So, to recap:
Try not to be so hard on yourself and do not bottle up emotions. You do not always need to be strong because grieving is not a weakness, and neither is needing time for yourself. If you can allow yourself to be “selfish” and talk about the pain you feel, you can avoid falling into bad habits and choices from which it’s much harder to recover, like a suicide attempt or alcoholism.
No matter how you grieve though, life will start to get easier and you will feel happy again, I promise you that. So please do not give up.”
If you’re back here again, I’ll assume the bad pickup lines of previous months haven’t blinded you or forced you to build a boat for all your tears yet. That’s good.
…if you’re new, welcome! Pay no attention to the above statements. They’re like side effects in medication commercials. I’m here to help, I promise.
The Tinder Files are super funny and awkward, which is just how I like ’em, but they also serve a bigger purpose. I use them to hold people accountable for their shitty online dating behavior. People say the crudest, creepiest, weirdest things online! And it’s because we haven’t developed social norms for dating sites like we have for traditional dating. Think about it: we’ve never had something affect dating as much as technology, so it makes sense that we’re testing our limits. But at some point, someone has to put their foot down and actually say hey this is the damn limit.
That’s what I’m here to do!
The Tinder Files are how I hold guys accountable for what they say to women on dating sites like Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, Bumble, etc. It’s not just about laughing at bad pickup lines, it’s about putting the ridiculous stuff on blast so guys know what not to say. And also so women see someone standing up for this, so they’ll feel more comfortable doing it, too.
I’ve set up some ground rules so this isn’t just a free-for-all of me making fun of people. That’s not what this is about. Yes, sometimes I post the awkward ones, or even really great ones just to balance out the awful ones, but it’s not just for fun:
I’ll never post about anyone who seemed to have honorable intentions. I know it’s hard to put yourself out there, and I’m not going to put anyone on blast who really seemed genuine.
I’ll blur out faces and other identifying details to the best of my ability. (I may leave a town name if you can’t see a face. I may leave a photo unblurred if it’s tiny, has multiple people, etc.) Your mamma definitely warned you about what can happen when you post things on the internet, but at the same time, I’m not tryna snitch on anyone here. If you only feel bad because you got caught saying something shitty, you didn’t learn anything.
If you want a little more background, and a list of all the 2017 TFs, you can visit this page! But for now, it’s time for the fun part: the bad pickup lines.
Bad Pickup Lines: April 2018 Tinder Files
1. Scale of 1-10
We’re starting off slow this month, but don’t worry there are plenty of weird ones. I’m taking points off here for lack of originality.
2. Perfect… .. ..
It’s not that this should be categorized with the bad pickup lines per say…but it’s very extra… (… .. ..)
3. Line of Cocaine
This guy disabled his account (or unliked me) so I don’t know the answer! I Googled the crap outa this, and it doesn’t seem to be on the internet. Any ideas, anyone?!
Maybe it’s ’cause he was pretty cute, but I thought this innuendo was tastefully done. It could’ve gone either way– innocent or sexual (y’know, was he unwrapping me, like taking my clothes off, or just unwrapping me, like in a box as a present?). I can see how some may see this as objectification because like, a person being a gift implies possession, so let me know what you think of this one in the comments!
This guy was super hot, and definitely knew it. That confidence might be a turn-on for some, but in this situation, it seemed to me like he was really used to getting what he wanted. When I didn’t answer this message, he actively went back and unliked me.
6. Adult Film Star
Oh! First paragraph sounds great…looking good…oh. Well, I guess it’s better that this is out in the open from day one. Can’t judge the guy for doin what he’s gotta do, I guess!
7. Super Embarrassing Situation
I just can’t decide if this was some kind of weird line, or if he really got himself in this situation and his first line of defense was to go on OKCupid and ask for help?
8. Take Over the World
This sounds like a bad commercial.
9. Tacos at Chipotle
I actually get this a lot. I think I need to change my bio.
10. A Nicole Short
There must be a website somewhere that specializes in Nicole-themed bad pickup lines because I get variations of this all the time.
What are the best bad pickup lines you’ve ever gotten on dating sites like Tinder?
Need more Tinder Files? Check out last month’s edition here!
Why am I talking about race, gender and privilege?
As many of you know if you’ve been with Uninspired for a while, I’m in a graduate program for marriage and family therapy. And honestly, I talk about it all the time, especially in terms of how what I’m learning relates to being a twenty-something, which is what Uninspired is all about. But something that I haven’t brought up yet is what I’ve learned about privilege. Mostly, I’ve learned how it affects therapists and clients in the therapy room. But it all translates into how we should treat people in all areas of life. And of course, learning how to treat people is completely relevant to the goal of Uninspired.
I want to start by saying that I am not an expert on race, gender, or privilege.
But, as you’ll read, marginalized groups need allies from the majority to help them advocate. And, if I waited until I was an expert to start speaking out about equality, I never would. I’ll never have the experience that a black, gay, hispanic, trans, or many other marginalized groups have, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t voice my support or share what I do know. And of course, as we are in times of change about what is acceptable and what is not, I’m always open to learning more and changing my mindset. In fact, I welcome anyone with more experience on these issues to let me know if there are places I can improve in my understanding.
Please tell me in the comments if there are things you disagree with, or things you agree with! What do you have trouble wrapping your mind around? Maybe we can chat about it. And finally– what else would you add to this list? How can people with privilege better understand people of color, people in the LGBTQA community?#.5- Talking About Race, Gender and Privilege Can Be Triggering
Before we start, I know this stuff can bring up a lot of feelings for both marginalized and privileged people, and I want you to have the proper resources available to you before you read on. Whatever identity struggle you’re having, I know you can work through it as long as you’ve got the right support. That’s why I compiled this list of mental health resources that I’m offering you for free. It’s full of hotlines for lots of different situations including substance abuse and trauma, as well as online counseling options through BetterHelp. BetterHelp is a great option for people who are struggling but don’t have enough time or money to visit a therapist’s office. Check it out and get a free 7-day trial with this link. And don’t forget to claim your list below!
10 Things This White Woman Knows About Race, Gender and Privilege
1. I have privilege.
Yes, I have worked extremely hard to be where I am today. But that doesn’t mean that someone else didn’t have to work harder because of the color of their skin, what parts they have down below, or who they love. I can admit that.
I can admit that because I am white, no one’s judged me for the color of my skin (in a way that could seriously affect my life). Also, I am heterosexual, so no one ever thought my S.Os were gross (well, that’s not entirely true, but that’s another post). I’m cisgender, so no one’s ever yelled at me or looked at me funny for being in the wrong bathroom. I’m middle class, maybe even upper-middle, so my parents were able to help me pay for college and a car. I even belong to the dominant religion in the US, so no one has ever persecuted me for my beliefs.
I’m saying this to show that knowing I have privilege does not equate to admitting I’m a bad person.
Many people who have privilege deny it because when it’s acknoweldged, you feel kinda icky about it. But let me tell you: you’re not a bad person for having privilege. No one understands more than marginalized people that you can’t help how you were born. It’s just that the dominant groups have the privilege of being able to act like where they came from doesn’t matter because they had no control over it. Marginalized groups are reminded every day that where they came from matters because racism and sexism and homophobia etc. all tell them that it makes them a lesser quality human being, even though they had the same amount of control as the dominant groups.
For example, my white privilege means not having to think about what my ancestors did for me to have the position in society that I do. Look around, and you will find nothing labeled as white culture. While many mainstream things are white culture because that’s who participates in them, they are never labeled this way. I just learned this a few weeks ago, and while it seems like common sense now, it blew my mind. I’d never had to think of it that way because I am white.
2. Not all privilege is the same
The second thing I know about privilege is that there are lots of different types. If you’re heterosexual and cisgender, you have gender privilege. You could have Christian privilege because Christianity is the dominant religion in America. You could have class privilege if you’re born into a wealthy family. Or you could have white privilege if you present as white. Having privilege does not mean you don’t have problems. It just means you’re in the majority in a certain domain, and in that area, you have more perks than someone who doesn’t belong in that group.
A white person with no money, for example, has white privilege but not class privilege. They get the perks of not being judged by their skin color, even though they may be judged for their clothes, cars, etc. Others may still judge them harshly or incorrectly. They may still have extremely difficult lives. But one thing they won’t have to deal with because they’re white, for example, is racism.
If you’re now thinking, “umm, I’m white and a person of color has been racist toward me,” let me tell you why that’s not cool.
A person of color cannot technically be racist toward a white person because racism implies something systemic and institutionalized. When a white person refers to a black person by the n-word, it’s worse because it piles on top of what white people have already done to people of color. When a person of color makes a racially charged comment about a white person, there’s no slavery or genocide or withholding of necessary resources backing it, so the word for that is just rude. And when a white person calls something “reverse racism,” it invalidates all the struggles that marginalized people have been through over time.
3. Being racist or sexist or misogynistic, etc. does not only apply to those who actively hate marginalized people.
There’s a movie called Color of Fear, in which eight men of different racial backgrounds talk in a group therapy setting about their experience of America. One white guy was particularly stubborn about the idea that racism doesn’t exist, and everyone was super pissed at him, until the therapist asked what it would mean for him if there was still racism.
He started to tear up and he explained that he just couldn’t believe people could be so cruel to fellow humans. At the heart of what looked like a careless, racist person was someone who struggled really hard with the idea that people could be so mean to each other. He just didn’t have the emotional tools to deal with that struggle in a healthy, helpful way because his white upbringing didn’t give them to him. So, he unfortunately tried to pretend it didn’t exist, which ended up making him into the very embodiment of what he believed didn’t exist.
While the current political environment has made many feel comfortable speaking on their actively hateful views, the majority of racism and other types of prejudice we see today comes from people like the guy in Color of Fear. That being the case, the focus has shifted to this quieter, but radically larger population of people who simply ignore race and gender issues. Because they don’t talk about them, they end up making a lot of small mistakes called micro-aggressions which, when piled up over the years of a marginalized person’s life, can really wear them down.
Micro-aggressions are often committed by well-meaning people, but they are still contributing to keeping marginalized groups from having equality. It’s like assuming a black teenager holding a baby is the mother rather than a babysitter, even if you’d like to help them. Or that a guy who is gay automatically super flamboyant, even if you think super flamboyant gay guys are tons of fun and awesome. You’re still putting them in a box that may not apply to them, and over a lifetime, that can be pretty suffocating.
I say all this to help white people understand that you can be perceived as racist even if you have good intentions. If you accidentally offend someone, hear them out on how you hurt them. I promise, the encounter will be less uncomfortable that way.
4. I should always ask my questions.
It’s true, the lingo changes a lot because we’re still learning about race, gender and privilege. And it’s true that being PC involves having to remember a lot sometimes. But when in doubt, just ask! Ask people what they prefer you to call them. Ask people with experience what the polite way to go about something is, etc. People will appreciate you taking action to get it right instead of sitting quietly, hoping you don’t offend. As with anything else, learning involves making mistakes. As long as you don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again, you’re doing okay.
On the off-chance that someone doesn’t appreciate your being explicit about race or gender issues, and you’re sure you were PC, recognize that some people may still be struggling with their identity. People go through stages of accepting their identity, especially when their identity isn’t treated right in society. If they’re not at a comfortable stage yet, they may not respond well to you. Try to feel for their struggle rather than getting offended that you made an effort and it wasn’t well-received.
5. I am not “colorblind.”
When people say that they “don’t see color,” it kind of erases everything that they’ve been through, ya know? By saying that we don’t see people of color, (or people in the LGBTQA community) for who they are, we’re saying we don’t acknowledge their struggles. Which is counterproductive because, as stated in fact #1, being able to deny what white people have done to marginalized groups is a part of white privilege. This saying just exacerbates white privilege. We are trying to say that we accept them as part of our group, but first of all, that’s simply not true in our society right now, and second of all, they don’t want to be part of our group. They want us to accept their group.
I notice when someone is a different skin color than me. I notice when someone is different from me. It is okay to notice when someone is black or hispanic or asian, etc. Or gay or trans, etc., not that this fits with the colorblind saying. It is how I act on those differences that matters to people of marginalized groups.
6. Women are sadly not equal, even if some feel that way
Ahh, the one area where I have actual knowledge of being the marginalized one. When we talk about how women got the right to vote in 1920, we’re really talking about wealthy white women. Women of minority backgrounds all got the right to vote in stages later on. Even once the 19th amendment stated no one could be banned from voting on the basis of their sex, there were still ways around it. Technically, Mississippi didn’t ratify the 19th amendment until 1984, which is probably when your parents were in their twenties. We are not as far past blatant inequality for women as people think.
Like with other types of inequality, gender equality may be more subtle now, but it is not gone. Take equal pay for example. The argument I hear is that lots of women’s weekly paychecks look the same as their male equivalents. First of all, you’re lucky. That’s not the case everywhere. Second of all, your weekly paycheck may be the same, but average in a maternity leave or two and see if your average is lower than a man’s now.
Now, I recognize the argument that the woman isn’t working, so some believe she doesn’t deserve paid time off. While I disagree with that on an emotional level, I can even logic out a way to balance the scales if we keep unpaid leave for moms: unpaid leave for dads. If it were more acceptable for men to take leaves when they had a newborn (which, why shouldn’t it be if both parents are equally responsible for raising a child?), pay equality would increase because both parents would be taking similar amounts of time off.
7. Gender is not sex, and sex is not gender.
Sneak a lil’ peek down below– whatcha got down there? That’s your sex. The parts you have are your sex. Your gender is what you feel in your brain or heart that you are. Sex is physical- from your parts down below. Gender is intellectual– it comes from your brain up top. We know that sex and gender are different because of what you’ll see in the next point– someone can be gay and not trans, and vice versa.
8. In that same vein, trans and gay are not the same
This might seem super obvious to some, but some people assume that if a man is gay, he is automatically super feminine and/or wishes he was really a girl. Perhaps this comes from media representation of LGBTQA people, or perhaps we emphasize qualities in a person that help them fit our understanding of the world. Or maybe it’s something completely different. In any case, LGBTQA issues are not all the same. Being gay does not mean a person wishes he was a girl, or even that he has super feminine qualities. It just means he’s attracted to men. Same goes for women who are lesbian.
We know this is true because there are cases where people’s sexual preferences don’t change when they transition their sex. For example, someone may transition from male to female and still be attracted to females. Or, someone who was gay and trans may transition from male to female and still be attracted to males. Yes, therefore becoming technically straight.
9. There are lots of letters in the LGBTQA alphabet soup, and more are on the table.
Before you freak out, just remember point #4. No one expects you to always know everything, but a kind, open-minded person should ask if they don’t know, or listen if they make a mistake. Here’s a breakdown of the current letters:
L- lesbian. A female who is sexually attracted to other females
G- gay. A male who is sexually attracted to other males.
B- bisexual. Any person who is equally attracted to both genders.
T- trans. A person who wants to change their physical parts to match the gender they feel they are.
Q- queer or questioning. Queer is a general term to describe someone who is a part of this community. Or, in another sense, it could describe a person who doesn’t fit neatly into one category. Questioning means the person is still figuring out their gender identity.
A- asexual or ally. Asexual means the person does not feel sexually attracted to anyone. This is the more common use. Ally describes someone who identifies as cisgender or heterosexual, but still supported this community. Since asexual people are the marginalized ones, they need the identification more than allies who may have a place in other communities.
Another letter that some people add is I, for intersex. Intersex is when a person was born with a mixture of male and female parts. This can manifest in lots of ways, some obvious and some not. Some people who are intersex aren’t on board with being part of the acronym, so they don’t always add it.
For Pride Month, Equinox filled in the entire alphabet with letters that could represent members of this community. If you’re interested in all the ways gender differences can manifest, check out this article and video.
10. People who are marginalized need people of privilege as allies
It’s not fair to force oppressed people to both fight through their adversity and then advocate as well. Especially not if we also expect them to be calm and understanding while they do it. People of color, people in the LGBTQA community, and any other marginalized group need us to help in this fight.
You don’t have to write an article. You don’t have to shout from the rooftops that you’re an ally for marginalized people, although you certainly can. Seriously, you just have to be mindful of what assumptions you’re making about people, and be open to making mistakes so you can learn. The key is the learning part. And if that seems too hard for you, I would encourage you to sit with those feelings of frustration, or maybe even process it with a therapist. Does it bother you because, as a person with privilege, you lose some of it if other people have it? Is it because it would hurt to have to face the fact that you have privilege at all? Something else?
This fight for equality is not an attack on people who have privilege. In fact, marginalized people want people with privilege to fight with them for equality. What can you do to join them?
Depending on your point of view, funny pickup lines can either be easy or hard to come by on dating sites.
Funny pickup lines seriously depend on your point of view, which is part of the reason why some people have such a problem with online dating. What some guys find funny might be seriously disturbing to the object of their, umm, affection.
That’s a big part of the reason why I write this series called The Tinder Files. If you’re new, let me explain. If not, you can skip right ahead to the good stuff. You’ve heard this before.
The Tinder Files are my attempt to hold people accountable for their behavior on sites like Tinder. Recently, I noticed that I was feeling like shit about myself, and I was able to trace it back to the fact that I was checking all my dating sites like ten times a day, hoarding half-assed compliments like they were the only way to gain self-esteem. That’s a problem. The way these guys were talking to me didn’t sit right in my brain because on the one hand, I sort of felt like they were telling me I was pretty. But on the other hand, the words they were using were that they wanted to fuck me hard up against the wall. Or that I was “almost really cute.” Or, they were just recycling the same lines over and over again that have been used for a hundred years.
I don’t really feel like those are funny pickup lines.
Some people might, and I’m not saying that’s wrong. I’m just saying that people should be a little more considerate of what they say to people when they’re using online dating. I know no guy would ever walk up to me at a bar and tell me he wanted to fuck me up against the wall without so much as a hello. He would have security on his ass so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. So, why is it funny or even just considered okay on dating sites?
My professional opinion (I am a professional– I’m a marriage and family therapist) is that online dating hasn’t been around long enough yet for social norms to develop around them. We (generally– I’m lookin’ at you Harvey Weinstein) know not to walk up to a woman in person and be so crude toward her. But that’s because traditional dating has been around long enough for us to know what works to get our genes reproduced and what doesn’t. When we throw the internet into the mix though– the biggest thing to change dating since, like, we became a monogamous, non-migratory species– we don’t know what works yet.
So, every month I push for accountability by posting the shit that comes my way on dating sites.
Sometimes though, for the sake of not coming across as a bitter hag, I really do post the funny pickup lines I get. I don’t want to deny that there are some sweet, witty guys out there. They deserve attention, too. And I also have some ground rules for this, because I’m not trying to get anyone in real trouble or just be a mean person. So I never post about anyone based on their appearance, race, ethnicity, etc. I also never post about anyone who seemed to have good, non-manipulative intentions. And I also try to blur faces and other identifying information.
Finally, now that you know the deep dark reason for The Tinder Files, we can get to the good stuff. Here are the ten funny pickup lines I’ve picked out for this month, along with some cringey ones for good measure.
1. Commit a Crime OR Work Three Jobs
Now, I don’t know where this guy was going with the whole three jobs thing, ’cause he was goin’ somewhere kinda cute with the crime thing. Even though I’m not a cop.
I have it on my profile that I post pickup lines on my blog so no one can say I didn’t warn them if they end up here and go viral for being human garbage. But I do appreciate when people try to send me their best pickup lines just to help me out or as an icebreaker. I think it’s sweet; it shows me they may have an interest or at least care for my sake about what I do. So, this one’s not in the hall of shame, I actually thought it was cool.
Now, this guy had me on the hook for quite some time here. You can tell me if you think this falls into the manipulative category, or if he innocently thought “do you watch porn” was a crazy question.
Again, I find this to be a little manipulative. I get that some guys get frustrated and will say anything to get a girl to answer, but trying to make someone feel bad for you is not how you get a girlfriend, or even a date. Twice, men have told me that they were suicidal, and then after talking to them for a while, they asked me how I felt about going out with them now. Twice.
To reiterate, I’m not posting this to shame anyone for not getting answers from girls. I’m posting it to show what does not work to get a girl. Even if I had felt so bad for this guy that I decided to answer, I still wouldn’t have gone out with him solely based on that. Even if I felt SOOO bad that I did decide to go out with him, is that what you want your relationship to be based on? Guilt?
4. Perfect Mix of Sexy and Cute
You’re not imagining things. This is the second time someone has said almost exactly this to me. I posted the first one last February. What does someone say back to that?! Even though I found this guy attractive, he lost me completely with his message. I get that he probably wasn’t looking for a relationship like I am, but even so, he made himself look bad.
5. Willing to Move
Wooaahh there Casanova, slow your roll. It feels like there are two extremes on dating sites. Douches with no concept of monogamy and ones that tell you they’re willing to relocate in the same message as their “hello.”
6. Play Army
I know that this is another instance of someone trying to help me out by giving me funny pickup lines. I know, and I am sooo glad, this was not directed at me or probably even something he would even say to a girl. But the fact that it even exists makes me sad.
7. Door in Face Technique
There are two major compliance mechanisms studied in social psychology. One is called foot-in-door, where the person asks for something small and once they’ve gotten a yes, they ask for more. Then there’s door-in-face, which is what this guy masterfully attempted here. Door-in-face is when you ask for something huge, knowing it’ll be a no, and then you ask for the reasonable thing you really want.
It didn’t work on me. #therapisted
8. 40 Years Old
This is why dating sites need preferences. To stop 40-year-old men from hitting on 23-year-olds.
9. Oddly Specific
I’m mostly posting this one for my A+ response. I may not have an arsenal of funny pickup lines, but I can definitely be funny when I wanna be. Somebody tell my sister because she doesn’t believe that.
10. If You Weren’t Cute
Obviously this guy likes nothing about me and just messaged me because he thought I was attractive. Cool. We’re a literal zero percent match.
What are some funny pickup lines you’ve gotten on dating sites, or heard about from your single friends? Let me know in the comments!
Need more Tinder Files? Check out last month’s edition here!
When you’re in your twenties, you’re basically setting up for the rest of your life.
You put in years of school in preparation for your career, or years at a shit job hoping to rise in the ranks. If you put your heart and soul into something, it’s pretty devastating if some mess of big life changes smacks you in the face and says: nah, this is your life now.
This happens more often than you might think. How many people do you know who went all through school and ended up doing something completely different from their major? Do you know anyone who ended having a baby, and leaving school entirely?
That’s what happened to our guest blogger, Sacha. Her life was pre-planned for her by her parents, and while she thought she knew what it was like to go through big life changes, when she went to college she found out she didn’t know the half of what life had in store for her. However, she learned to be okay with the hand she was dealt.
I thought this was a really important story to tell because it’s a reminder to not get too attached to plans. Yes, in our twenties we need to be responsible and set up for our futures. But we should learn not to get so attached to our plans that we’re eternally crushed when they don’t go our way. It’s really bad for our mental health, which is what this series is all about.
Mental Health Monday
Mental Health Monday is all about helping people in their twenties become emotionally healthy adults. Often, we don’t take care of ourselves because we’re so busy planning for the future. Then, when big life changes hit like they did to Sacha, they destroy us because we’ve neglected ourselves so much to make our perfect future happen. So we need posts from people like Sacha, who have been through what we’re talking about and come out stronger for it. Hope lives in stories like these. They’re the first step– the inspiration– to adjust.
Today you’re going to learn some healthier methods for dealing with big life changes, but I also wanted to offer you something else. Catching and gracefully dealing with all the shit life throws at you is a lot more difficult if you’re also struggling with a mental illness like depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, or something else. That’s why I compiled this list of mental health resources that I’m offering you for free. It’s full of hotlines for lots of different situations including substance abuse and trauma, as well as online counseling options through BetterHelp. BetterHelp is a great option for people who are struggling but don’t have enough time or money to visit a therapist’s office. Check it out and get a free 7-day trial with this link. And don’t forget to claim your list below!
Dealing with Big Life Changes
I never ever imagined my life to be this way. Growing up, I went from passion to passion just to find my identity. In high school I had plans to be an ESL teacher in Japan because I loved Japanese culture. Then I decided I wanted to do international business. In the end, I chose to study psychology, because I wanted to help others. At the time, these seemed like the big life changes because my life was somewhat pre-planned by my parents. Little did I know what life had in store for me.
My parents’ plan for me was to go to high school, then university. Get a job, then consider finding someone and settling down. They are very career-focused and money-driven, as were my friends at the time, as that’s the social norm. However, things change. You can become friends with the wrong crowd, or find that special someone and fall in love at the wrong time. In life we can plan so much, but we can never completely control the outcomes. As I learned, you may have to learn to adjust to any number of big life changes that come your way.
I went to university, like a good little girl. I met this guy, we fell in love, but things were far from perfect. Heck, I was learning all about different mental health issues and conditions, but I couldn’t see the truth in him.
He made my life a living hell.
We were dating on-and-off until finally, he told me I should move in with him. So I did, not seeing the red flags for domestic violence. I won’t go into specifics about everything I went through, but they were most definitely big life changes.
Fast forward to when I was twenty-three.
We were splitting up, and I fell pregnant. The news didn’t bode well with him. He wanted an abortion. He wanted to control every aspect of our lives. I ended up needing to leave through police. That was another of those big life changes you can’t plan for, but must power through anyway. It took a very very long time for me to get over this man, see him for who he truly is, and to let go of these lost feelings I so strongly had for him. I needed to focus on my baby, and its future.
The big life changes of living with this man, to falling pregnant, defending my unborn baby, going through domestic violence and returning home to my parents was hard. When I broke the news to my family, my father was very disappointed. My mother kept trying to enforce a career-driven lifestyle for me, despite me telling her that my child comes first and I would not leave my child to go off and pursue her goals. I had to go through a lot of changes, mentally, emotionally and of course physically and to quickly work out what I must do in order to correctly raise my child and learn to become financially independent whilst being a stay at home mum.
When you fall pregnant during a difficult situation with a psychotic man, it’s stressful, to say the least. But there’s something inside us mums that gives us this drive to focus and succeed on providing for and protecting our children. I worked hard, I planned well, I stayed healthy and made decisions in the best interest of my child. I battled with anxiety, depression, PTSD throughout my pregnancy and postpartum, and still a bit to this day, but I persevered.
Life is full of surprises. My baby being one of them.
But you learn to adjust and redirect your focus on what is most important. I am twenty four years old now.
My daughter, Rebekah, will be turning one year soon, and despite her father not being in our lives, and me needing to do it all on my own, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Don’t feel discouraged when life may not go as planned or it may seem too stressful. I’ve been there. I am still there. I have a lot of difficulties with my parents and am going through domestic violence here as well and am in the process of getting financial and legal help to leave. But I am calm. I am not rushing, or expecting too much to happen or for things to go perfectly planned. I am content. Determined. My focus is on my daughter and the rest will follow through.
I hope that this summary of my past and recent experiences helps and encourages you to understand that life is never as it seems. The choices we make, the paths we take won’t always lead us to our most ideal destination. Like I said before, I never imagined my life to be the way that it is now and with everything that I have gone through. I never imagined going through horrific events with dark people, going through stressful times living with my parents at nearly twenty five years of age, and being a single mum having to raise a child all by myself. You know what though? I now wouldn’t want to have it any other way after experiencing the joy and blessing that is my daughter.
Every experience that I went through was a trial for me, a test.
something that I could learn from and help strengthen me as a person, as a mother, as a daughter. I have turned these negative encounters and big life changes into positive trials and corrections. Learn to do the same. What is life showing you? What are these experiences teaching you? Only you know those answers.
My name is Sacha and I am a single mother to my beautiful daughter, Rebekah. I am a Christian mum blogger helping and encouraging other single mothers such as myself on my blog Raising Rebekah.
This Mental Health Monday, we’re talking about a really interesting, natural way to combat negative feelings: mood-enhancing spices!
Who knew you had little bottles in your kitchen cabinets that could help you feel better, am I right?! Well, our guest blogger, Sunrita did! Sunrita runs a business called Spice it Upp where she is very used to talking about how mood-enhancing spices improve lives. I was so excited when she contacted me, because eating well is such an important part of feeling good, and we rarely talk about it on Mental Health Monday!
In this series, I’m all about creating hope by showing you personal stories from people who have been where you’re at and gotten through it. This is why it’s so fun when someone like Sunrita comes in with such a different perspective! Everyone can find something they can relate to, so everyone can get a little hope and help.
MHM is so helpful for people in their twenties especially because this is the time when a lot of mental illness creeps up to the surface.
So, now that you know what the goal is here, I’m going to pass it over to Sunrita. She’s going to tell you all about how you can incorporate these mood-enhancing spices to your diet. She’ll even give you meal recommendations! I’m so excited to see what you’ll create, and how it’ll make you feel! Happy cooking!
Mood-enhancing spices are a great way to keep your mood lifted if you’re feeling down. Sometimes though, they may not be enough if you’re tackling a bigger mental health issue. That’s why I compiled this list of mental health resources that I’m offering you for free. It’s full of hotlines for lots of different situations including substance abuse and trauma, as well as online counseling options through BetterHelp. BetterHelp is a great option for people who are struggling but don’t have enough time or money to visit a therapist’s office. Check it out and get a free 7-day trial with this link. And don’t forget to claim your list below!
The Many Causes of Depression
“How many of you reach for a pot of ice cream or a large bar of chocolate when you feel down in the dumps? Movies have romanticized binging on a tub of ice cream as good coping mechanisms for a breakup or stress. But while it’s a great excuse to get some yummy treats in, you are also cramming in calories!
Be good to yourself and treat yourself well without making your body suffer! The good news is that there are many healthy food alternatives right now in your kitchen shelf that not only make you feel good, but also do your body good!
At some point of our lives we all go through a down phase, when we feel low and lonely. Sometimes we can tell because we start to have relationship problems, stress over exams, PMS, etc. There are other underlying causes of depression that sometimes go unnoticed though, like lack of physical exercise and increased mental stress, low self-esteem, anxiety, or lack of social interaction. As long as these symptoms are not too severe, requiring medical attention, you can combat them at home with healthy food alternatives and mood-enhancing spices.
Mood-enhancing spices are a great natural alternative to antidepressant medicine. Many studies conducted by universities and scientists show that specific spices have mood-enhancing benefits since they contain the feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. Reach into your cupboards and start adding a spoonful of happiness every day.
Top 5 Mood Enhancing Spices
Saffron is a popular Persian spice which has long been used in traditional Persian medicine as a mood-enhancer. It has antidepressant effects similar to those found in Prozac. A study by Shahin Akhondzadeh Ph.D concluded that consuming 30 mg of saffron per day helped relieve depression and mood swings associated with PMS.
Apart from being an antidepressant, saffron is said to have a positive effect in treating sexual dysfunction in men, Alzheimers, menstrual cramps, anxiety, and insomnia among others.
Meal Ideas with Saffron
Saffron is a sweet mood-enhancing spice, often used to make rice and desserts. You can add a few strands to most dairy-based dishes, either sweet or savory. Try making a saffron risotto or paella with added chicken or fish. You can also add a few strands of saffron to normal mayonnaise or cream, and use it as a dip or sauce base for pasta or with baked potato. Add a few strands to warm milk with honey and you have a soothing, warm saffron drink.
Have you noticed how just buying a cinnamon apple scented candle at home lifts your mood?! According to new studies, cinnamon might help maintain dopamine and manganese levels. Cinnamon has an abundance of manganese, which helps to keep depression and anxiety under control. This aids cognitive functions such as sleeping, movement, feelings of anxiousness, attention, and learning. Dopamine also helps remove bacteria from the gut, which is often the cause of irritability.
Meal Ideas with Cinnamon
Add 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon powder to your hot chocolate or coffee
Make a fresh fruit breakfast parfait with cinnamon powder on top or fruit salad with orange juice and cinnamon
Throw in a stick of cinnamon when you make soups, broths, or stews
Add cinnamon powder with other spices when you make a rub or marinade for meat.
Cardamon is a fresh, warming, aromatic spice, with a subtle citrus undertone. It’s extensively used in Indian and Middle Eastern cuisines. As with cinnamon, the aroma of cardamon pods has at therapeutic affect on the mind, which is what makes it one of the mood-enhancing spices. The manganese content in cardamon is the largest, making it a favorable antidepressant spice. It’s one of the best mood-enhancing spices to add to your meals when you feel overwhelmed or just a bit low.
Meal Ideas with Cardamon
Break a few pods or cardamon into boiling milk and make cardamon milk, or cardamon tea when you’re in need of instant energy and a mood lift!
Add cardamon powder to plain vanilla ice cream, top with nuts and fruit and treat yourself to a healthy sundae.
Make rubs with it and other spices.
Add whole cardamons to rice and make an aromatic cardamon rice to go with any curry.
Nutmeg is an aromatic seed covered by an outer layer popularly known as mace flower! It is used in many culinary preparations for a spicy-sweet, sensual flavor. It can be used to make both sweet and savory dishes. It is believed that Nutmeg has anti-depressant quality due to the presence of Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors (MAOI). MAOI stops the breakdown of enzymes like dopamine, serotonin and others. This helps to maintain the level of happy enzymes and improve mood, concentration and positive drive.
Meal Ideas with Nutmeg
Add a pinch of nutmeg to French toast.
A dash of nutmeg to a glass of hot rum, cola or wine gives the drink a very energizing taste
Make banana or any fruit smoothie with a pinch of nutmeg
Add it with other spices such as cumin, cinnamon, cloves and turn it into an instant mood enhancing spice blend for curries and marinades.
Turmeric is the golden spice which gives Indian curries their characteristic yellow colour. It is considered one the most popular and healthiest spices with many medicinal properties primarily due to the curcuminoidcontent in it. The presence of curcumin reduces depressive symptoms. Curcumin is one of the best anti-inflammatory nutrients in the world which has mood-lifting benefits. Inflammation in the brain can cause high levels of oxidative stress, and stressed nerve signals. The anti-inflammatory properties of Turmeric addresses the root causes of depression hence making it easier for suffers to combat depression related syndromes
Meal Ideas with Turmeric
Turmeric milk is perhaps the most popular, easiest and fastest way to consume turmeric. Add a tsp of turmeric powder to warm milk, add honey and drink it as a soothing before bedtime drink.
Add turmeric to any curries, thick soups for the added colour and benefit.
Make aromatic colourful yellow rice with turmeric, cardamom and cumin seeds.
Add it to scrambled eggs, roast vegetables or even noodles.
What we eat has a direct effect on your mood and health, so before you reach out for other substances that you may think help you cope with stress and depression give spices a try.
Consuming spices reacts with the receptors in the tongue that sends messages to your brain similar to pain signals,causing your brain to trigger the release of the happy endorphins hormones.
Another month, another set of super helpful Mental Health Monday posts to keep you on the road to self-care, self-love, and healthy relationships.
Our guest blogger today, Ellen, is here to tell us about how her failed relationships have all put her on the path to her current one. She starts all the way at day one, with her very first, pre-pubescent online loves, which I found absolutely adorable, and traces her path all the way to the present to show how she really needed to go through all the failed relationships to get to the good stuff.
If you’re not sure what you’re reading, this is Mental Health Monday, a guest-post series aimed at helping people in their twenties feel inspired to take care of themselves and live mentally healthy lives. We cover everything under the sun here, from managing different mental illnesses like depression and anxiety, to tackling troublesome symptoms like depersonalization. Last week, I talked about the pros and cons of online therapy, which has proven to be a hot topic among millennials lately. If you want the full story of MHM, click here!
Before I’ve talked your ear off, I want to let Ellen of Zyrakuma talk to you about her failed relationships. Not like how your friends talk about them over brunch! Ellen has learned some valuable lessons from her failed relationships, and wants to show you how each of them has led her further down the path toward the healthy relationships she is in now. I hope you enjoy!
Sometimes failed relationships can be the catalyst for really scary mental health situations. If you’re feeling particularly down over a breakup and are struggling to get through it on your own, these resources I’ve compiled will get you the help you need. This free mental health resource list is full of hotlines for lots of different situations including substance abuse and trauma, as well as online counseling options through BetterHelp. BetterHelp is a great option for people who are struggling but don’t have enough time or money to visit a therapist’s office. Check it out and get a free 7-day trial with this link. And don’t forget to claim your list below!
Your Failed Relationships Will Lead You to a Successful One
I’ve encountered many failures even though I haven’t reached my older stage of life. I have failed tests in school, failed at how I reacted in certain situations and mostly, I have some failed relationships. That’s right. Pretty much everyone has felt the same way once or twice— failing at becoming that one “perfect couple.” Here are my stories about how my old relationships failed, but helped me learn so much for the future:
Ellen’s Failed Relationships: The Pre-Teen Years
The first of my failed relationships was with Jonathan, who I met on a video game. Immature and innocent me was curious about what it was like to be in a relationship, even though now, I’m not even sure if I could count it. I thought relationships were icky and awful with all that “lovey-dovey” stuff. On the first day, he called me “babe” and “baby,” and I told him to stop calling me those nicknames because it sounded gross. I never actually had feelings for this dude. Like I said, I was just curious!
Skip a few days. Jonathan breaks up with me because he has feelings for someone else. I replied with “ok,” and went on with my life like he never happened. My first relationship lesson was not to date someone I had no feelings for! No spark, no reason to keep things going.
The next of my pre-teen failed relationships was with Jason, from another video game. He was anything a young girl could wish for. Until I introduced him to my best friend. I’m sure you know where this is going! They started texting behind my back! I was devastated. How could he do this to me? He was the love of my life! He gave excuses about how he couldn’t handle long-distance. I had a mental breakdown and was literally posting all over Facebook about how unfair life was, how I missed him, how I wanted him back, and all the things kids say when they break up. Now that I’m much older, I hate thinking about those things I said! Lesson learnt: don’t post your failed relationships all over social media.
Ellen’s Failed Relationships: The Teenage Years
Time for the days where I was a rebellious teenager. This guy, Calvin, was a guy I dated in real life. He was my brother’s best friend. We texted each other over FB but we don’t talk much in real life because we were shy. (can you relate?) As time flew by though, I got the courage to ask him out. We dated for six months, and I was very much in love. He was my first kiss, he snuck into my room to cuddle with me, and I was constantly talking about him to my friends.
But then around the six month mark, depression came into my life. I was angry and sad all the time, and all these emotions were hitting me like I got smacked with a fish. Even now, I never want to remember those days. I started getting more and more angry at Calvin for nothing that he had done wrong. And yet, I was so attached to him that I never wanted him to leave my side. I noticed that he wanted it to be over with me and I begged him not to leave. I even threatened to end my own life. Of course, we broke up anyway because that’s not a healthy way to have a relationship. Lesson learnt from the third one of my failed relationships: Don’t take emotions out on your significant other, and making them stay with you out of guilt is not healthy.
A few years passed, and I focused on my schooling and my mental health.
which was getting worse by the day. That’s when Jason came back into my life by an old friend. We had both matured, or so I thought, so we decided to give dating another chance. Feelings came back, and we became close again. He asked me out, and I told him yes. We talked so much, until deep into our relationship, his dark past came up, which I knew nothing about. This brought out my own darkness, and I was already in a bad place, so I felt angry and betrayed. I couldn’t forget about it, but I didn’t want to accept it and move on. So we were stuck, and it was hurting both of us emotionally.
I was becoming more distant, and he was focusing on other stuff. I felt that if I left this relationship, I would never love someone else ever again. So, I stayed. I stayed and got more hurt along the way and I hated that feeling. I tried so hard to leave but I would always make up excuses to stay with him because I felt lonely and scared. And so, I took the courage to break up with him and end the fourth of my failed relationships there. It hit me hard, but I knew it was the right thing. Lesson learnt (again): don’t stay with someone you don’t have feelings for. Loneliness will pass, but scars from people who don’t treat you well can last a lot longer.
Ellen’s NOT Failed Relationships: Devin
While I was dating Jason but still feeling lonely, I messaged one of my good friends that I hadn’t messaged in a long time. His name is Devin. He was also dating someone else at the time, but both of us were miserable in relationships we hated. Eventually, he broke up with his ex (on Valentines Day!) and as you know, I broke up with Jason. So, we decided to be together.
Throughout our relationship, we have always been there for each other through good and bad times. We talked about our pasts but this time, I was able to accept the past as the past and leave it behind. Our relationship is healthier than with any of the other guys I’ve dated. We have different opinions and things we like. Even still, we support each other. He comforted me when I told him about my depression, and promised he would always love me and help me through tough times. We also make space for each other to do our own things, and he lets me know he loves me even without saying it every day. We’ve been dating for 8 months at the time of writing this, and I couldn’t be happier in my life!
Everything I learnt from my failed relationships has shown up in this current one. If you’re losing hope about finding the love of your life, focus on the lessons you may be missing from the things you’ve been through. Everything you’ve been through is helping you get closer to learning what you really need, so be patient on finding your true love.
I am bursting with excitement! I’m so excited, in fact, that I stopped the presses to write this post. Yes, I actually pushed back all the Mental Health Monday posts that were scheduled this month so I could tell you I scored a partnership with BetterHelp online counseling services!
What is BetterHelp?
BetterHelp online counseling services are an alternative to traditional therapy. Online counseling is great for people who are wary of new social situations, or meeting new people. It’s also great for people who like to think about what they say. BetterHelp specifically is the largest platform for online counseling out there, with almost 2,000 therapists and 25 million sessions completed to date. They also own several other entities that service more specific populations, such as Terappeuta, for Spanish-speaking clients, Pride Counseling for LGBTQA clients, and Faithful Counseling for those wanting a Christian perspective.
In addition to just having a lot of therapists, BetterHelp therapists are also fully licensed professionals. They have the same credentials as the therapists you might meet in person. So, why would they decide to work online instead of in their own practice somewhere?
Well, BetterHelp handles the housekeeping end of therapy and eliminates the situations therapists hate, which take the genuineness out of the process. For example, BetterHelp handles the billing. So, a therapist will never have a great heart-to-heart with their client, only to have to lead them back into the front desk and ask for $150.
Another reason therapists may gravitate toward online counseling is the lack of dealing with other systems like the courts. Unfortunately, that does mean court mandated clients cannot use online counseling services. But since therapists have less case management to do, they can charge less. BetterHelp online counseling does generally cost less than traditional therapy, at $35-$70 per week. Traditional therapy can cost up to $250 per session.
Anyone who is interested in BetterHelp is likely dealing with a mental health issue that feels like it’s getting out of hand. For that reason, I’ve put together a resource list full of phone numbers and websites you can call or use to get the right help. It includes the suicide hotline as well as substance abuse, eating disorder, and sexual assault hotlines. It also includes BetterHelp and other similar online counseling sites. You can get it for free right below:
How Can BetterHelp Online Counseling Services Help Uninspired Readers Like You?
If you’ve been here before, you know all about Mental Health Monday. Every week, either myself or a gust blogger writes a post about all different aspects of mental health. Today, we’re talking about this ~awesome new way to get therapy.~ Last week, we had a blogger named Jo talk about the best books for self-care. But sometimes, we have much more serious posts. For example, Elizabeth’s post that covered heroin, domestic violence, and PTSD. I want to make sure that, if any of these posts bring up anything tough for you, you have somewhere to turn.
And what’s the point of dredging up all these emotions for you?
It’s because Uninspired’s goal is to help twenty-somethings be the best versions of themselves. And you can’t give your best to the world if you don’t have 100% to give because of trauma, depression, anxiety, etc. In fact, the more you try to give when you have nothing, the more you’ll actually hurt the people around you, as well as yourself. So, we need to push back against this idea that we should act like we’re always fine. And we need to stop thinking of therapy as something that people only do when they’ve hit rock bottom.
That’s why I host Mental Health Monday, and that’s why I partnered with BetterHelp online counseling services. I want to showcase people who are pushing against stigma and sharing how they’ve healed through negative experiences. Hopefully, that gives you the push you need to do the same for yourself. And in that case, I want you to have somewhere to turn before you lose that energy!
A bonafide therapist-in-training, friends. I’ve been learning about the benefits therapy for about six years now, which is a full quarter of my life. Since I’ve started seeing clients, I’ve been fortunate enough to see that “aha” moment in so many of them. Seeing clients talk through things that have been bouncing around their heads for sometimes years is proof to me that counseling is the answer for almost any question.
In other situations though, I’ve seen clients who I could tell were just so uncomfortable with the whole process. It’s very difficult for a lot of people to sit in front of a stranger and tell them their deepest thoughts. As we know about technology, sometimes having that barrier of a screen makes it easier to be open. So, my experience having to draw people out of their shell has led me to believe that online counseling is the answer for a lot of people.
Pros and Cons of BetterHelp Online Counseling
So, now it’s time to really break all this down. I am an affiliate for BetterHelp, so I’ve been talking a lot about the pros, but I want to be honest and tell you about the cons, too. Since I am a therapist, it wouldn’t be ethical for me to just push anything on you without making you aware of potential downsides. So, we’re going to go through both the cons and the pros of online counseling.
Not readily covered by insurance. It may be partially covered, but likely not fully. This is offset by the fact that online counseling is cheaper than traditional therapy, but it’s a fact nonetheless.
Online counseling is not for everyone. For example, if you’re thinking of hurting yourself or someone else, you’ve been advised to seek psychiatric care (someone who can prescribe meds) or you’re in an emergency situation, you’re better off visiting a traditional therapist or hospital. They also cannot take on mandated cases for reasons I’ll cover in the next point.
Loss of cues available with in-person conversation. A huge thing we learn in grad school is content vs. process. Often, the content that people come into therapy with is not the root of the problem. The process gives this away. For example– Brooke & Gary from The Breakup have this big fight that seems to be about doing the dishes. That’s the content. But the process becomes clear from watching not what Brooke says, but how she says it. Her emotionality is one clue that their fight is really about Brooke not feeling like Gary respects her needs. However, if a therapist were seeing Brooke online, she would only be privy to the content, and the process would be much more difficult to figure out.
Confidentiality. While no one can 100% assure confidentiality over the internet, BetterHelp uses the same encryption technology as high-profile financial institutions. That means someone would have to care enough about your therapy conversations to hire a criminal to bypass firewalls made to protect billions of dollars. I love you all dearly, and I mean this in the nicest, most loving way possible, but nobody cares about you that much.
Affordability. While it’s tough to get insurance to pay for BetterHelp online counseling services (or any online counseling), the fact that it’s cheaper than traditional therapy balances that out. While you can pay anywhere between $100-$250 per session for traditional therapy, sessions with BetterHelp cost between $30-$70 per week. You can choose between several ways to pay. And they offer payment plans for people who can’t afford their rates! And, you get a week for free when you sign up.
Versatility. BetterHelp online counseling services are super awesome for busy people, people who travel a lot, and people who need more access to their therapist than the standard one session per week. Since your “therapy room” is online, you can have sessions anywhere you have internet access. And your therapy room is open all the time! While your therapist won’t always be there, you can always drop your thoughts there throughout the week. When your session comes, you won’t have forgotten anything you waned to talk bout. There’s also an app for easy access!
Have you ever heard of BetterHelp online counseling services? What has held you back from trying it out?
It’s March! Don’t you feel such a renewed sense of energy and motivation? I do! This happens at the change of every season for me. I find myself more excited about all my projects, and more ready to jump into new endeavors. This time around, my newfound inspiration has led led me to look for new income sources. Thanks to my crazy schedule, I have crazy erratic income to match, so I’m always on the hunt for something to help me earn a stable monthly income. Recently, I’ve found it with Patreon.
Like most of you, I’m in the process of becoming financially independent, which is no fun. So, I like to test out a lot of different ways to make money while still allowing myself the freedom to do things I love. I’m a substitute teacher, which is my main source of income, but I’m also a tutor, which pays less, but it’s cash. Then I run this blog, which gives me a decent chunk of change from affiliate marketing. It’s slow to arrive, but it’s so great when it does, because I earned that money helping you guys be the best adults you can be. Which is super fun.
So, the other day I was telling my friend Holly about my erratic income and she was just like, “why don’t you create an account on Patreon?” And I was like… I dunno. So, today I’m going to show you how to set up your account on Patreon, and give you some tips for getting the most people to become your patrons. And then, of course, I’ll pepper this article with buttons you can click to support me on Patreon. After all, I’m giving you all this awesome info!
Back in like, Michelangelo times, wealthy people would become patrons of artists, meaning they gave them a stable monthly income to create art for them. That’s basically what Patreon is, but for the modern era. Patreon is a platform that allows creative people to create bonus content for their fans, who pay them on a monthly basis. You’re basically making a subscription content service for yourself. This allows fans to get more behind-the-scenes information on the content creators they love, and it allows the creators to stabilize their erratic income while doing what they love. Which, of course, is the goal for all twenty-somethings who are trying to gain financial independence!
A common misconception about Patreon is that you have to be a visual artist to use it. That’s not the case! Patreon just allows people who don’t earn a stable monthly income a change to change that. There are visual artists, but you will also certainly find writers and bloggers and musicians and anyone with potential for a fan base.
How to Earn a Stable Monthly Income with Patreon
Since so many different people can use Patreon, each type of content creator has different methods available to help them get the most patrons. So, this is going to be some general rules to help the majority of Patreon users.
1. Set Up Your Page Right!
Below are all the parts of your creator page with some tips for how to make the best of them. For some, like creating rewards, I’ll give more details beyond this section, but this is a general overview of how to set up your page!
Connect Social Media
Every content creator, regardless of niche, needs to do this. It gives you the most options for finding people who might want to be your patrons. As of now you can connect Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and Twitch. However, I recommend promoting every damn place the internet will allow. You never know who might want to help you settle your erratic income!
Choose How Patrons Pay You
Per month or per creation? If you’re trying to earn a stable monthly income or stabilize erratic income, you’ll gravitate toward monthly. However, Patreon recommends this: if you’re creating at least four posts per month, choose monthly. If it’s less, patrons may not feel they’re getting their money’s worth.
Upload Profile and Cover Photos
Not having either of these makes it look like your page isn’t taken care of. If you can’t be bothered uploading pictures to make your profile look complete, why would patrons think you’ll create quality content for them? This is a good place to put brand images if you have them, as well.
Fill Out Your About Section
Keep this simple! Like with blogging, if readers see a giant chunk of text with no breaks, you’ll lose them immediately. Introduce yourself, explain why you’re on Patreon (what you need the money for) and what your patrons will get for their money. But keep it short. A couple of paragraphs max, especially if you’re using a video, too.
Another tip– avoid needy language. Telling patrons that they’re “supporting” you makes it feel like they’re doing you a favor, when really, you’re doing them a favor by giving them this awesome stuff. It’s not so hard to say no to a favor for a stranger. It’s much more difficult saying no to something you really, really want. So, entice your readers. Don’t beg them for money. That’s GoFundMe.
Another tip- don’t put external links in your about section. Someone on this page is about to give you money. Don’t lead them off this page.
Record Your Intro Video
This is not required, but has been shown to convert more patrons. If you can, why not?! If you choose to make a video, it should be the focal point of your page. Show off your personality! Make people see how funny and charming and goodhearted you are. Make them feel like they’re giving money to a worthy cause. Again though, keep it simple. Don’t keep viewers longer than 3 minutes or so.
Write a Thank-You Message
Though needy language is banned from your About section, your Patreon patrons are indeed helping you earn a stable monthly income. You should thank them! Tell them how grateful you are for them, and what a big hand they have in the success of your brand. After all, without fans, clients, customers, etc., a brand is nothing. So be genuinely grateful.
After you’ve set up your page to entice readers to help you stabilize your erratic income (though you’ve learned you won’t be phrasing it that way!), it’s time to actually set up your rewards, and your funding goals. Your rewards are what individuals get for becoming your patrons. Your funding goals are rewards that everyone gets when you hit a certain milestone of patronage.
There is a setting that allows patrons to donate $1 per month without getting a reward. Unfortunately though, very few people will help you earn a stable income just because they like you. You have to give them something. So, here’s a compilation of the best tips out there for setting Patreon rewards.
1. Create more than one reward. Give the people options! Having multiple reward tiers means you can draw in fans with multiple interests. Do you have different topics on your blog? A reward for each topic!
2. Have some unpaid posts. Engaging with your fans/clients/patrons is the most important part of being a blogger. Building trust is how you get people to buy things from you, take you up on your recommendations, or help you earn a stable monthly income. Patreon is no different! The path to evening out your erratic income is paved with good free stuff for your viewers.
3. Don’t make your rewards a lot of work. The whole point of Patreon is to help creators earn a stable monthly income so they can spend more time doing what they love and less time trying to scrounge up cash. If your rewards are difficult or time consuming for you, they’re not the best you can do. Below are some reward ideas:
Access to your idea list– allow viewers to see what’s coming up next on the blog
Shout Outs– thank your patrons in your posts, maybe give them a back link if they’re also a blogger.
Discounts– if you sell your own products or courses, let your patrons have a discount! They’re already supporting you in another way.
Beta Testers– give your patrons exclusive access to products before they’re available on your blog!
Setting Funding Goals
Again, your funding goals are basically bigger rewards that you’re promising patrons once you hit either a certain number of patrons, or a certain amount of money from them. For these, it’s best to put some more effort into them, as they’re a big incentive for patrons to not only give, but give as much as possible. There are essentially two types of funding goals, which I have named myself and explain below.
1) The Give- This funding goal is when you promise to give something big to your patrons as more of a celebration of hitting a milestone. This one is a bigger incentive for your viewers as it directly gives something to them. For example, when you hit $100 per month, you’ll release a course about XYZ
2) The Get- the second type of funding goal is when you need a certain amount of money in order to get something for your business. Like, when you hit $10 per month you can buy photoshop, which will allow you to increase the quality of your pictures, thereby enhancing your patrons’ experience on your website.
The people on your email list are the ones most invested your business, as we’ve talked about in part 4 of my blogging series. They have already taken this extra step to get the behind-the-scenes info you share via email, so they’re also likely to participate in other things you have to offer. Again, phrase it like you have more to offer, not like they’re doing you a favor.
2. Utilize your social media
You can connect your Patreon account to your Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, and Twitch. But don’t forget about Instagram, Snapchat (although they say that’s dead) LinkedIn, Pinterest and that new one, Vero. Post your link everywhere. You never know where you’ll find your biggest fans! Or, y’know, fans with the deepest pockets 😉
3. Utilize your family and friends
Here’s a great tip. Set things up so it shows the number of patrons you have, not the amount you’re earning. Now ask five or ten loved ones to each donate $1. Then, it’ll look like you already have a bunch of patrons, and no one will know they’re just doing you a favor, because no one can see they’re giving so little. It’s psychology that people do what they see other people are doing. I guarantee it’ll be harder to get your first patron than your hundredth.
Does Patreon help you stabilize your erratic income? Do you use it to help you earn a stable monthly income? Drop your tips and opinions in the comments!