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Depending on your point of view, funny pickup lines can either be easy or hard to come by on dating sites.
Funny pickup lines seriously depend on your point of view, which is part of the reason why some people have such a problem with online dating. What some guys find funny might be seriously disturbing to the object of their, umm, affection.
That’s a big part of the reason why I write this series called The Tinder Files. If you’re new, let me explain. If not, you can skip right ahead to the good stuff. You’ve heard this before.
The Tinder Files are my attempt to hold people accountable for their behavior on sites like Tinder. Recently, I noticed that I was feeling like shit about myself, and I was able to trace it back to the fact that I was checking all my dating sites like ten times a day, hoarding half-assed compliments like they were the only way to gain self-esteem. That’s a problem. The way these guys were talking to me didn’t sit right in my brain because on the one hand, I sort of felt like they were telling me I was pretty. But on the other hand, the words they were using were that they wanted to fuck me hard up against the wall. Or that I was “almost really cute.” Or, they were just recycling the same lines over and over again that have been used for a hundred years.
I don’t really feel like those are funny pickup lines.
Some people might, and I’m not saying that’s wrong. I’m just saying that people should be a little more considerate of what they say to people when they’re using online dating. I know no guy would ever walk up to me at a bar and tell me he wanted to fuck me up against the wall without so much as a hello. He would have security on his ass so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. So, why is it funny or even just considered okay on dating sites?
My professional opinion (I am a professional– I’m a marriage and family therapist) is that online dating hasn’t been around long enough yet for social norms to develop around them. We (generally– I’m lookin’ at you Harvey Weinstein) know not to walk up to a woman in person and be so crude toward her. But that’s because traditional dating has been around long enough for us to know what works to get our genes reproduced and what doesn’t. When we throw the internet into the mix though– the biggest thing to change dating since, like, we became a monogamous, non-migratory species– we don’t know what works yet.
So, every month I push for accountability by posting the shit that comes my way on dating sites.
Sometimes though, for the sake of not coming across as a bitter hag, I really do post the funny pickup lines I get. I don’t want to deny that there are some sweet, witty guys out there. They deserve attention, too. And I also have some ground rules for this, because I’m not trying to get anyone in real trouble or just be a mean person. So I never post about anyone based on their appearance, race, ethnicity, etc. I also never post about anyone who seemed to have good, non-manipulative intentions. And I also try to blur faces and other identifying information.
Finally, now that you know the deep dark reason for The Tinder Files, we can get to the good stuff. Here are the ten funny pickup lines I’ve picked out for this month, along with some cringey ones for good measure.
1. Commit a Crime OR Work Three Jobs
Now, I don’t know where this guy was going with the whole three jobs thing, ’cause he was goin’ somewhere kinda cute with the crime thing. Even though I’m not a cop.
I have it on my profile that I post pickup lines on my blog so no one can say I didn’t warn them if they end up here and go viral for being human garbage. But I do appreciate when people try to send me their best pickup lines just to help me out or as an icebreaker. I think it’s sweet; it shows me they may have an interest or at least care for my sake about what I do. So, this one’s not in the hall of shame, I actually thought it was cool.
Now, this guy had me on the hook for quite some time here. You can tell me if you think this falls into the manipulative category, or if he innocently thought “do you watch porn” was a crazy question.
Again, I find this to be a little manipulative. I get that some guys get frustrated and will say anything to get a girl to answer, but trying to make someone feel bad for you is not how you get a girlfriend, or even a date. Twice, men have told me that they were suicidal, and then after talking to them for a while, they asked me how I felt about going out with them now. Twice.
To reiterate, I’m not posting this to shame anyone for not getting answers from girls. I’m posting it to show what does not work to get a girl. Even if I had felt so bad for this guy that I decided to answer, I still wouldn’t have gone out with him solely based on that. Even if I felt SOOO bad that I did decide to go out with him, is that what you want your relationship to be based on? Guilt?
4. Perfect Mix of Sexy and Cute
You’re not imagining things. This is the second time someone has said almost exactly this to me. I posted the first one last February. What does someone say back to that?! Even though I found this guy attractive, he lost me completely with his message. I get that he probably wasn’t looking for a relationship like I am, but even so, he made himself look bad.
5. Willing to Move
Wooaahh there Casanova, slow your roll. It feels like there are two extremes on dating sites. Douches with no concept of monogamy and ones that tell you they’re willing to relocate in the same message as their “hello.”
6. Play Army
I know that this is another instance of someone trying to help me out by giving me funny pickup lines. I know, and I am sooo glad, this was not directed at me or probably even something he would even say to a girl. But the fact that it even exists makes me sad.
7. Door in Face Technique
There are two major compliance mechanisms studied in social psychology. One is called foot-in-door, where the person asks for something small and once they’ve gotten a yes, they ask for more. Then there’s door-in-face, which is what this guy masterfully attempted here. Door-in-face is when you ask for something huge, knowing it’ll be a no, and then you ask for the reasonable thing you really want.
It didn’t work on me. #therapisted
8. 40 Years Old
This is why dating sites need preferences. To stop 40-year-old men from hitting on 23-year-olds.
9. Oddly Specific
I’m mostly posting this one for my A+ response. I may not have an arsenal of funny pickup lines, but I can definitely be funny when I wanna be. Somebody tell my sister because she doesn’t believe that.
10. If You Weren’t Cute
Obviously this guy likes nothing about me and just messaged me because he thought I was attractive. Cool. We’re a literal zero percent match.
What are some funny pickup lines you’ve gotten on dating sites, or heard about from your single friends? Let me know in the comments!
Need more Tinder Files? Check out last month’s edition here!