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It’s time again to highlight the worst pickup lines of the month!
And some nice ones, too. But mostly the shitty ones. This series is called The Tinder Files, and every month, I post a list of the best and worst pickup lines I have actually received from men on dating sites like Tinder. Some of them are funny, some are horribly over-used or awkward, and some are just plain disgusting. You’ll get a good mix of all those today! So, why do I do this?
I started writing The Tinder Files because I wanted people to be more accountable for their words online. Online dating is relatively new compared to how long traditional dating has been in the world, and we don’t really have hard-and-fast social norms for it. Basically, it’s a free-for-all at the moment, and that makes for some of the worst pickup lines you could ever imagine.
When I started using dating sites, I thought they were the best thing in the world. I thought it was so cool that I could just open any of my inboxes and have ten messages from guys who thought I was pretty. But really, really quickly, I noticed my self-esteem dropping. It’s because those guys weren’t interested in me (for the most part). They just wanted to tell me how badly they wanted to fuck me. It was uncomfortable. And they got mad if I didn’t answer them. Their compliments weren’t really compliments.
But the thing that gets me is that they know what they’re saying is wrong. I have never had someone come up to me at the bar and tell me they wanted to fuck me hard up against the wall. Everyone knows they’d have a vodka cranberry in their eyes and security dragging them out before they could blink. But you’ll see that exact message today in these screenshots.
But don’t worry– these aren’t all about bitterness and calling people out.
In fact, I purposely post some funny ones just for comedic relief. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry, amirite?! So, there are some sweet ones, and some silly ones. And I also have set myself some ground rules to make sure I don’t come across like a total dick. For one thing, I would never make fun of someone’s physical appearance. This is not about me being better than the guys who message me. It is strictly about holding people responsible for what they say to each other online.
Another rule I’ve set is that I will never post about someone who seemed to have good intentions. Again, I’m not doing this just to make fun of people. But I will post about someone who tries to manipulate me by making me feel bad for them. In that same vein, I also try my best to hide faces and other identifying information like names and locations. It’s not always easy (especially on Coffee Meets Bagel and the new version of OkCupid) but I try. I also have it clearly posted in all my online dating profiles that I run this series, so if they choose to still send me something ridiculous, or not read my bio, that’s on them. Mama told you what can happen to things you put on the internet. Check out this post for the details.
1. Three Degrees in Various Things
That’s my favorite part of this message, but it’s a gem all around. In addition to having degrees in various things, he is also culturally diverse, which is incredibly specific. But no pics. Just abs. I have to add him on Snapchat to get the pics. Seems legit.
2. Petting a Cat
Oh?? Why don’t you like, stop then??
3. Give Me Your Taco
Ahh, millennial pickup lines at their finest. Love it. And the Chipotle tip! Use that to your advantage, folks. Look, Uninspired even helps you adult when it’s not even trying. You’re welcome.
4. Slim Thick
Isn’t that a milkshake or something? A nutrition drink?
5. Password Hint
He tried…but like… you’re messaging me from your account.
6. Read Below
Having no pictures is sketchy. It looks like you’re hiding something. I hear all these excuses about not wanting to see people from work, etc. But hey, if you’re too embarrassed to use dating sites, don’t use dating sites.
7. Tie Your Shoes
8. Sprained Ankle
I thought this was going to be the beginning of a pickup line. It wasn’t. He was just wondering.
9. Alright alright alright.
I don’t get it? To not make a fool of yourself, the best you could come up with was to say I was “aight?”
Yeah, I know, we’ve got slim pickin’s this month for things to get excited for. This isn’t one of the worst pickup lines, he was doin’ his best.