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Summer is coming to a close, friends. I start classes in three days, my internship is beginning, and is it just me, or did the leaves start changing crazy early this year?? Well, that’s a rant for another day, because it’s time for my monthly pickup line rant.
It’s month eight of this madness, and I’ve gotten some pretty positive feedback about this series. If you’d like to read the long version of how it began, you can click here. If you’re here for the short version, you can simply read on.
The Tinder Files may be super funny, but they also serve a purpose. That purpose is to hold people accountable for what they say on social media. Like I said last month, it took me a long time to figure out why I was swiping away, getting all kinds of compliments, but still feeling like crap after being on some of these apps like Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, etc.
It was because, yes, a lot of guys were talking to me and complimenting my appearance, but they weren’t doing it very nicely. In fact, a ton of people were saying things that would quickly get a drink thrown in their face, or security in their face if they did it at a bar. Things like how they’d love to suck my boobs, asking if I can handle eight inches, or just whippin’ out dick pics like it’s a picture of their damn face. Once I realized the “compliments” I was getting weren’t making me feel good because they were crude, inappropriate, and careless, I decided to start the Tinder Files.
Each pickup line that I post is here for a reason. I’m not here to make fun of people with no point. I post the disgusting ones for the reasons stated above. I post the careless ones because even if you are just looking for casual sex, everyone deserves a proofread message at the very least. Also, it’s just not very good for your game if your “hey” comes out as “gey.” But in addition to all these eyeroll-inducing, vom-worthy ones, I also put up some truly good ones. I like to think I’m a pretty positive person, and I don’t want anyone to think this is entirely doom-and-gloom. Some guys out there are really funny and clever. And who doesn’t need witty men in their life? I know I do.
I’ve also established some ground rules to ensure that this endeavor never comes across mean. Like I said, I’m not here to make fun of people. It’s all about re-creating a healthy dating culture. So, I’ll never make fun of anyone’s race, ethnicity, or general appearance. That’s never cool. I’ll also never post about anyone who seemed to have good intentions, unless I’m posting about it in a positive way. I know it’s hard to put yourself out there. Finally, I’ll cover up any clearly identifying features like closeup images of a single person, full names, or name and location combos.
I think that’s everything! Here’s the August edition of the Tinder Files. The best and worst pickup line roundup, month eight.
Pickup Line 1: 123456789 Messages Later
I couldn’t post all the screenshots of every single message this guy sent me, because it would have been at least ten photos. This was at least the fifteenth message this poor desperate soul sent me. Get a hint. I am not interested. Although I do appreciate the poetry.
Pickup Line 2: Classic
Ahh, now here’s a pickup line that never gets old. A sexual command without so much as a hello. Love it.
Pickup Line 3: Did You Recognize Me?
I never understood this approach, but this is not the first time it’s happened to me. Once, I was out on the street, walking with a friend, and a guy came up to me claiming he knew me from some camp. I’ve never been to a camp, so after a few feeble attempts to get me to recognize him (?) he just asked for my number. I gave him the number of the nearest ophthalmologist. Just kidding, but I wish I had.
Pickup Line 4: Does Not Compute
This is here because it’s careless. He obviously didn’t even read my message to see that I hadn’t answered what he asked. He just followed some script in his head and ended up making no sense. Carelessness= bad pickup line.
Pickup Line 5: The Real Questions
Now this guy, on the other hand, is making sure the real questions get answered. He’s not wasting his time with someone who doesn’t have the same opinions on Game Stop store credit.
Pickup Line 6: It Never Rained
Is this a sexual thing I don’t understand? Is this secretly a fantastic pickup line that went right over my head? Plz lv a comment if u no.
Pickup Line 7: I Eat Ass
Oh, cool. Remind me never to kiss you, ever. Thanks.
Pickup Line 8: Vacation Homes
This, friends, is a fake account. The person is too good looking, the name and interests are too generic, and the caps, ellipses, and exclamation points give him away. Nobody talks like that. It’s a shame though, I’d love to visit some of those vacation houses.
Pickup Line 9: Kombucha
It’s a little disappointing when you open a message expecting a nice compliment and find an advertisement for tea. It’s fine though, at least it wasn’t a nasty line.
Pickup Line 10: Let Go
Now THIS, you guys, is a gem. This is not from a dating app at all. This is on an app called Let Go, where you can sell your stuff. After this happened, I read the reviews of the site, and apparently this happens to women on it all the time?! I thought I’d end with it because it just goes to show, you can find true love anywhere.
Also, yeah, bartering. That’s definitely what that’s called.